Well, I've been very depressed about my latest result. I didnt expect for a decline in my grades but it certainly does, added with a fail grade, blew me a tremendous hit. And this thought has occured to me many times already.
"Am I doing the right choice by choosing IB?"
My father also asked me something that shot me in the wound and weighed my head,
"So, after this, do you think you can handle it? Looking at your current result, can you make it better?".
Honestly that blows me. I thought I was already at my limit somehow. The questions were easy for me. But none of the grades seems to get better. I also did better revision, asked my friends, burn the midnight oil the whole semester, consult the teachers, more exercises I can handle and understands concept better. But maybe it lacks on maths actually. But thats not the only thing. Even for chemistry, I was hoping for the highest yet it turns out constant. Its moderate marks. Not too high and not too low. But I was hoping, you know, better! Nothing comes out right. In physics, I love it so much, I understands it better now since I have more discussion with other people and can easily do the exercises, I also hoped to surpass one of my friend who is also good at physics as I am. But better marks. In quiz, I have also won over him. But in the end, semester result failed me. None of my expectation went right and I have absolutely no excuse for my downgrade. I dont have anything for me except Allah.
And I ask, "O Allah, had I made a really wrong decision by getting myself into this huge mess I'm dealing with? Or its just I'm not giving my all eventhough I already gave it my best shot ever?"
It probably backfired me when my heart contradicts my thoughts, "Your shit is more than your gain".
Ahh everything seems to have a grudge against me. I have a block of idea when doing maths and also cant start to finish my homeworks and assignments and projects given to me. I did not wish of this. But my attention will stray away if I want to start it. Its my fault but I think I'm getting to lose myself more and more here. I've also got very unhappy with myself although all this time what I did was to please myself and my parents. Seriously, when my parents said they have nothing to say to me when they knew about my result, and that they were not responsible of me choosing IB, I am speechless. I thought, yeah, I got myself here. How to leave? Is it possible?
And then here we go I'm considering whether to continue my IB diploma that have only 2 more semester or go with it. Take the challenge out. But how far can I stretch my limit until I overdo it? There's no instruction and guidance. Its you who decide what you can or cant do. Saying you do means you do and vice versa. But taking into account what stretching your limit might be, it terrifies me. What lies in the future terrifies me horribly. Please. Advise me. I dont know what to do or what to hope. Change is something in the future while I have to decide now. What will be my decision?
Monday, June 15, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
My reality of being an IB student
I'm in my second year in IB now. What I can say is, I really have challenged myself enough to come this far. But wast it enough?
Knowing my semester result today is kinda depressing. And you can easily figure out my mood right now. IB is real hard people. REAL HARD. NO KIDDING. I think I have done my utmost effort to get a result I wanted, but expectations always went wrong. At least, for me.
Sad enough until I got so many thoughts right away in my head and wont go away. Thus making me write this. At least to you, strangers I'm not embarrased because people nowadays dont really care do they. I want to at least pour this out to someone. What thoughts I have? Like this :
-What have I achieved so far?
-I'm almost at my limit, so my effort still not enough?
-Will I survive this?
-Will there be a university out there that will receive my grades?
-If I cant do this, how am I going into degree then?
-Have I made the utmost wrong choice in my life?
and etc.
I also wanted some lecture so I told my parents about this. But their response is nothing like encouragement. Haha. What they told me were things like, "I didnt ask you to choose IB; You should better off go with Matriculation before; I dont know, its your own decision; Your brother received all A's in his years; we dont know waht to say to you'". Really, what have I done with my life? Am I too conceited in thinking I can do this, I can change, I can challenge this damn hard thing everyone is talking about, I love that subjects thus I can do it. But nothing turned out right though. I always end up hating myself more. For my decision is always influenced by strong desire and hope, often far from my ability.
Its all because I want to be better. I want to surpass my big brother who managed to graduate from A-Level with flying colours and also from a university overseas. I want to avert all those attention from my brother to me. To be crowned with the most brilliant child of the family. I can do that! Cant I?
Now looking back. I dont even see the real reason I chose IB before. Though I heard it trained you in a harsh way but you'll come out as an excellent person in the future. Many kept saying that. But what have I got so far? And with those half-baked grades, you expect for the top 50 university in the world will accept you? What an arrogant being you are. The challenges in those university will be far harder. If you cannot done this, what have you become? Once again, what have I done with my life?
Will I be able to survive this?
Knowing my semester result today is kinda depressing. And you can easily figure out my mood right now. IB is real hard people. REAL HARD. NO KIDDING. I think I have done my utmost effort to get a result I wanted, but expectations always went wrong. At least, for me.
Sad enough until I got so many thoughts right away in my head and wont go away. Thus making me write this. At least to you, strangers I'm not embarrased because people nowadays dont really care do they. I want to at least pour this out to someone. What thoughts I have? Like this :
-What have I achieved so far?
-I'm almost at my limit, so my effort still not enough?
-Will I survive this?
-Will there be a university out there that will receive my grades?
-If I cant do this, how am I going into degree then?
-Have I made the utmost wrong choice in my life?
and etc.
I also wanted some lecture so I told my parents about this. But their response is nothing like encouragement. Haha. What they told me were things like, "I didnt ask you to choose IB; You should better off go with Matriculation before; I dont know, its your own decision; Your brother received all A's in his years; we dont know waht to say to you'". Really, what have I done with my life? Am I too conceited in thinking I can do this, I can change, I can challenge this damn hard thing everyone is talking about, I love that subjects thus I can do it. But nothing turned out right though. I always end up hating myself more. For my decision is always influenced by strong desire and hope, often far from my ability.
Its all because I want to be better. I want to surpass my big brother who managed to graduate from A-Level with flying colours and also from a university overseas. I want to avert all those attention from my brother to me. To be crowned with the most brilliant child of the family. I can do that! Cant I?
Now looking back. I dont even see the real reason I chose IB before. Though I heard it trained you in a harsh way but you'll come out as an excellent person in the future. Many kept saying that. But what have I got so far? And with those half-baked grades, you expect for the top 50 university in the world will accept you? What an arrogant being you are. The challenges in those university will be far harder. If you cannot done this, what have you become? Once again, what have I done with my life?
Will I be able to survive this?
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